Step Brothers–Did You Touch My Drumset Scene and Script

Step Brothers- a story of two grown up men who still live with their parents but struggle to find a common ground. 

*Step Brothers-Did you touch my Drumset.*

 Dale Doback : Hey man. Did you touch my drumset?

Brennan Huff : [Brennan nods his head] 

Brennan Huff : Nope.

Dale Doback : It's just weird, 'cause, it seems like someone definitely touched my drumset.

Brennan Huff : Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch 'em.

Dale Doback : [Dale throws Brennan's feet off the couch] 

Brennan Huff : Hey!

Dale Doback : [angrily] Did you touch my drumset?

Brennan Huff : Hey, knock it off!

Dale Doback : I know you touched my drumstick, 'cause the left one has a chip in it.

Brennan Huff : Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.

Dale Doback : Fuck you Brennan! I know you touched my drumset, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it.

Brennan Huff : Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!

Dale Doback : You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then!

Brennan Huff : I don't have to swear to shit!

Dale Doback : That's 'cause you fucking touched my drumset! 'Cause I know COPS doesn't start 'till 4:00!

Brennan Huff : [Brennan begins to leave the room] 

Dale Doback : Where you going?

Brennan Huff : I'm going upstairs... 'cause I'm gonna put my nutsack, on your drumset! Okay?

[Brennan continues to walk upstairs towards his drumset] 

Dale Doback : If you do that - I'm warning you, right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife!

Nancy Huff : [Brennan and Dale are sleeping, Nancy walks in to wake them up] Guys. Guys. Guys!

Brennan Huff : [Both guys wake up and quote last line from their dreams] I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.

Dale Doback : The clown has no penis.

Nancy Huff : What kind of dreams are you guys having? Hey, it's 12:30. Brennan, your brother's coming today, so you might want to get up.

Brennan Huff : Today?

Nancy Huff : Yep.

Brennan Huff : Shit.

Dale Doback : What's your problem?

Brennan Huff : My little brother is even a bigger asshole than you are.

Dale Doback : [referring to him and Brennan geting beat up by kids, while crying] You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.

Dale Doback : Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon?

Brennan Huff : 'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword. And you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, right?

Dale Doback : I would've done the exact same thing.

Dr. Robert Doback : We're putting the house on the market.

Dale Doback : Where are we moving?

Brennan Huff : Is the house haunted?

Dr. Robert Doback : Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream.

Dale Doback : Well what about us?

Nancy Huff : I- I'm sorry. Robert... we thought that you should take responsibility for your own lives.

Dr. Robert Doback : And this is the exciting part. We're gonna put enough money in your accounts for a security deposit on an apartment.

Dale Doback : What's this all about?

Nancy Huff : Um, more than just money. We're gonna get you another kind of support as well.

Dr. Robert Doback : You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. And guys, that's non-negotiable.

Brennan Huff : Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?

[Robert nods] 

Brennan Huff : WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Brennan Huff : You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.

Dale Doback : Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

Dale Doback : The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bàng her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.

Dale Doback : Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week.

Dale Doback : Hey. Are you awake?

Brennan Huff : Yeah.

Dale Doback : I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house.

Brennan Huff : I know. I feel bad.

Dale Doback : Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.

Brennan Huff : Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are.

Dale Doback : You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad.

Brennan Huff : Yeah.

Dale Doback : But I can't imagine how you feel after my dad looked right at you and said it's all your fault that they broke up.

Brennan Huff : That's funny, because my mom said: "If that curly-headed fuck Dale wasn't here everything would be perfect."

Dale Doback : You take that back.

Brennan Huff : No way. It's your fault.

Dale Doback : You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land. You refuse to get a joband you don't know what it's like to work for something.

Brennan Huff : You don't take responsibility for your actions. This is all your fault!

Dale Doback : Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public!

Dale Doback : [Brennan leaves the bedroom angrily] Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy, because you know it's true. Just avoid everything. What are you doing?

[Brennen is heard in the next room banging on the drums and chanting] 

Brennan Huff : Dale broke up Mom and Dad

Dale Doback : Motherfucker!

[Dale rushes into his office] 

Brennan Huff : Dale broke up Mom and Dad Dale broke up Mom and Dad

[Dale picks up a cymbal and hits Brennan over the head with it. Brennan falls] 

Dale Doback : Brennan! Get up, Brennan, I know you're faking. Get up! Get up! Brennan?

Derek : [Derek suddenly climbs up Brennan's treehouse with a beer] What's up, faggots?

[to Brennan] 

Derek : What's up man? What? You're not gonna come down and say hi to me? What's with that, dipshit? Huh?

Brennan Huff : [faintly] Hi, Derek.

Derek : Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking. You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here...

Dale Doback : What is your problem, man?

Derek : My problem? I don't know! I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year!

[smirks] 

Derek : How much did you make?

Dale Doback : [shrugs] It's not about money...

Derek : No, it's not about money. Well, for me, it's a little bit about money...

[pause] 

Derek : And I made that much money last year. I am the VP of the biggest executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard. Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out!

[Derek lifts up his shirt and shows Dale and Brennan his chest abs] 

Derek : See these? See these boys? This is what I live with! Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen!

Dale Doback : I manage a baseball team.

Nancy Huff : Oh, little league?

Dale Doback : Fantasy league.

Dale Doback : Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!

Brennan Huff : I have a green belt... read it and weep.

Dale Doback : I don't believe in belts.

Brennan Huff : [while burying Dale alive] Now I'm gonna play your drumset! Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you...

[after burying Dale] 

Brennan Huff : This is your fault. Oh, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna sleep good tonight...

[Brennan walks away] 

Dale Doback : [climbs out of the dirt and lunges at Brennan] 

[growling] 

Dale Doback : DON'T YOU TOUCH MY DRUMS!

Brennan Huff : [screams] Zombie! ZOMBIE! Get off me, zombie!

Dale Doback : Look, we can bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad. Are you guys going to invest or not?

Dr. Robert Doback : That's it!

Dale Doback : [after knocking Brennen unconscious and dragging him across the lawn rolled up in a carpet] This is just like Cold Case files! This is just like Cold Case files! This is just like Cold Case files!

Brennan Huff , Dale Doback : Chewbacca masks!

[Growling, cheering and high-fiving. One mask is made with artificial fur, and the other is only molded rubber] 

Dale Doback : Chewbacca!

Brennan Huff : It's okay that mine's not movie quality.

Dale Doback : We're in the bathroom!

Alice : This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on.

[suddenly opens his pants and mounts him against the wall] 

Dale Doback : It's all slippery!

Pam Gringe : Well, Brennan, you certainly have had a lot of jobs.

Brennan Huff : I'm a bit of a spark plug and, uh, Human Resources Lady, when I think...

Pam Gringe : Oh, you know, it's actually, it's Pam.

Brennan Huff : I'm sorry. Well, Pan...

Pam Gringe : No, my name is Pam.

Brennan Huff : Are you saying "Pan" or "Pam"?

Pam Gringe : I'm saying Pam. I'm sorry, who is this gentleman sitting behind you?

Dale Doback : Hello, Miss Lady. I'm Dale. I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I might be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.

Brennan Huff : Yeah, that'd be great.

Pam Gringe : [slowly] Pam. Pam, with an M.

Brennan Huff : Pand. There's a D on the end?

Pam Gringe : There's no D. It's Pam.

Dale Doback : It's like "calm" except P-A-N-M.

Brennan Huff : P-A-M... There's two Ms. That was the confusion.

Dr. Robert Doback : You have one month to find jobs or you're out on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday and you will go!

Dale Doback : Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son.

Dr. Robert Doback : I'm not buying that crap anymore!

Dr. Robert Doback : I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you.

Dale Doback : Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Fuck you!

Dale Doback : Hey, can I ask you something?

Brennan Huff : Yeah.

Dale Doback : You know back when you first moved in?

Brennan Huff : Yeah.

Dale Doback : Did you touch my drumset?

Brennan Huff : No, I didn't.

Dale Doback : No, really, I won't get mad I just want to know.

Brennan Huff : No I know. You said you wouldn't get mad. I'm just telling you I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I never did it.

Dale Doback : Well then I owe you an apology.

Brennan Huff : No, you don't, at all. No.

Dale Doback : Why would you take an apology if you didn't do it?

Brennan Huff : Because I'm cool. It doesn't matter

Dr. Robert Doback : [as Dale is playing video games in his room] Dale... Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.

Dale Doback : You leave me money for pizza, Dad?

Dr. Robert Doback : Yeah. There's $20 on the hall table. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy!

Dale Doback : But what if I want wings?

Dr. Robert Doback : [as he leaves out of the house] You don't need wings!

Dale Doback : That's *NOT* ENOUGH, DAD!

Dr. Robert Doback : [at his wedding ceremony] I would like to thank all of you... for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day! And I would like to raise my glass; Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms!

Dale Doback : [abruptly gets up out of his chair and throws his plate, rolling his eyes] UGH! Get a room, Dad!

Dr. Robert Doback : [as Dale walks out] Oh for chris- Dale!

Dale Doback : Hey Brenden

Brennan Huff : Good to see ya Dale.

Dale Doback : Thanks for hiring our catering company.

Brennan Huff : Easy decision. You guys have an outstanding track record.

Dale Doback : [looks around and sighs] This is like old times huh?

Brennan Huff : Ah, it really is!

Brennan Huff : You still have your night vision goggles?

Dale Doback : No, no. No, I had to sell those to pay for car insurance... How about you? You still kickin' boards or breakin' holes in pumpkins or anything?

Brennan Huff : No... but I did start taking baby aspirin. To reduce my risk for heart attack.

Dale Doback : That makes sense. You gotta keep an eye on it.

Brennan Huff : You really do.

Dale Doback : Gotta knock off the sweets!

[laughs] 

Brennan Huff : Thank you!

[laughs as well] 

Brennan Huff : That's a tr- that's a truly funny observation!

Dale Doback : [finishes laughing] Yeah.

Dale Doback : [Brennan is burying Dale in the garden] But I'm still alive!

Brennan Huff : You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!

Dale Doback : Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened?

Nancy Huff : Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.

Brennan Huff : Oh, he did?

Nancy Huff : Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?

Dale Doback : No. I thought it was gonna be silent.

Brennan Huff : It was not silent.

Dale Doback : It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing.

Brennan Huff : It got louder. It got louder.

Derek : I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out.

[Points to ab muscles] 

Derek : See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit?

Dale Doback : No.

Derek : You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.

Dale Doback : [both waking up from dreams on top of each other] Oh no, I'm late for school.

Brennan Huff : I'll kiss you on the mouth, Kenny Rogers.

Dale Doback : [attacking Brennan after catching him messing around with his drum set] I warned you! There's *one rule* in the house, and you broke it!

[Dale and Brennan continuing fighting] 

Dale Doback : [Talking to an employment agency worker] Look, I wanna' be honest with you. I really need a job. And, I will take any position - as long as it doesn't involve having sex with old ladies for money, or bear traps. Those are my two bugaboos.

Dale Doback : [attacking Brennan for rubbing his testicles on his drumset] I'M GONNA RUB MY BALLS ON YOUR MOM'S FACE!

Brennan Huff : [to Dale] You know what I just realized? You've been the one dragging me down. Now I'm gonna go out and find a job and an apartment; and then I'm gonna get Mom and Dr. Doback back together. I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it!

Dale Doback : My life was perfect before you came here. Me and my dad had the perfect setup, and you wrecked it!

[Dale gets up on his feet and starts walking away] 

Brennan Huff : Hey...

[Dale turns around] 

Brennan Huff : We're no longer brothers!

Dale Doback : We never were. We were stepbrothers.

[Dale walks away] 

Dale Doback : Please leave us alone Mr. Gardocki!

Dr. Robert Doback : Oh God, you're impressive.

Derek : Oh, come on. I love talking to you from across the room. I feel like we have a thing. You and me, man! You're my new stepdad! You're unbelievable!

[Robert laughs giddily] 

Nancy Huff : I-I've never heard that laugh before.

Dale Doback : Dad, why are you acting so weird?

Dale Doback : Chewbacca masks!

Dale Doback : What is your problem, man?

Derek : My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, uh, Dale. In fact, I have the opposite of a problem. I made over 550K last year. How much did you make?

Dale Doback : It's not about money.

Derek : It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made *that* much money last year.

[last lines] 

Brennan Huff , Dale Doback : [simultaneously getting out of bed to go sleepwalking; mumbling indistinctly] 

Dale Doback : You got my passport?

Brennan Huff : What?

Brennan Huff , Dale Doback : [both mumbling indistinctly] 

Dale Doback : I'm good.

Brennan Huff , Dale Doback : [both mumbling indistinctly] 

Dale Doback : All right.

Brennan Huff , Dale Doback : [both mumbling indistinctly] 

Dale Doback : Don't worry, I'm not gonna be late. Don't worry.

It’s been over 10 years since Step Brothers came out. And while a lot of comedies develop an outdated and irrelevant feeling to them, if anything – Step Brothers still remains just as good as the day it was released. A story of two middle aged men, who are 100% reliant on their parents is the perfect stage to allow Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly to thrive – and we aren’t disappointed. From start to finish its filled with a catalog of absurd quotes that would even give Anchorman a run for its money. While we haven’t yet got confirmation of the long-awaited sequel, here’s to hoping that it happens sooner rather than later!